Pokemon Questions

Everyone loves the Pokémon game franchise. It has been going strong for about 12 years now, and there is no end in sight. It's now its own $20-something billion industry, churning out video games, battle games, trading cards, bubblegum, 850 TV episodes, 12 movies clothing, stuffed animals, art sets, stamp collections, Bibles and so much more ad nauseum. But, to me, there have always been pressing questions in the videogames that haven't been answered. You probably also are awake for entire nights thinking about these questions. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

1. Do people eat Pokémon?

Let's be serious, folks. Not everyone in the Pokémon world is vegan. And Pokémon seem to be the only living creatures around, besides humans. What do they eat besides Pokémon and whatever strange cube stuff Brock makes up? I assume that there's probably a Cerulean City Steakhouse that serves fillet Magikarp or roast Pidgey. And probably at Indigo Plateau there are guys with the big hot dog guns, only it's a Hot Growlithe instead. Mmm. I'm hungry. And, since there are meat eaters, there probably are vegetarians, which leads to my next question:

2. Are there Pokémon rights groups?

I mean, I have to admit, there really is something incredibly fun about capturing cute little animals with magical powers and making them kill each other for pleasure and an increase in social status. But, take a look at Micheal Vick. People are now slandering him for dogfighting. Pokémon is essentially the same. Are there people who burn Pokéballs and vandalize Pokémarts to stop the incessant torture and violence? Are there giant groups of singing hippies with big cardboard signs and VW vans and tons of blunts protesting Pokémon battles, only to be knocked out by Thundershocks, Stunspore and Hydro Pump?

3. Are there questions about the ethical use of Pokémon steroids?

People in America are always talking about how steroids are bad, and all of the negative effects of them, blah blah blah. Is there such a movement in the Pokémon world? I mean, you could battle to gain experience, but isn't it a whole lot easier to use a Rare Candy? Could I go to prison for giving my Noctowl a Dire Hit, or giving my Psyduck an EXP Share so he doesn't have to fight to level up? I suspect somewhere there are lobbyists fighting.

4. What is it like inside of a Pokéball?

We all know how to capture a Pokémon. It's simple, you throw a plastic ball at a helpless dying Pokémon, and when it hits the Pokémon, it will shrink and trap the Pokémon inside. Are they extremely cramped in there? Or are they shrunk to a comfortable size? Is there AC? Can they breathe for long periods of time? What if we could make Pokéballs work on everything? We could shrink bags of garbage, or move entire houses effortlessly. Maybe it could work on people. Maybe someday we will have planes filled to the brim with Pokéballs full of people. Think about how much gas that would save if we could have thousands of people on one flight.

5. Is there a Pokémon mafia?

From the looks of it, the Pokémon world is pretty tame. Every person in the Pokémon world is a kind, loving, God-fearing Christian with 1950s values and a 'Look Ma, no cavities!' demeanor. All of the bad people aren't really bad, they're like Disney channel bad people, they do bad things, then give up when 10-year-olds stop them with tiny electric mice and turtles with evolutionary Super-Soakers. But there can't be all of this slack-sappy happiness all of the time. Is there an organized crime problem in the Pokémon world? Does Viridian City have a big building where Pokémon are used to siphon gas, counterfeit money and off annoying shopkeepers? Are there Pokémon with creepy tattoos on their arms who stand in dark alleys to attack unsuspecting morons who go back there to buy crack? I mean, there has to be an Eighth Avenue somewhere in the Pokémon world.

6. What the hell is with water pokémon on land, anyway?

We've all been here. We're walking in some dark cave, and some fat loser comes up to us, eating a Rare Candy and yelling 'My mom says I'm going to be the best Pokémon trainer ever! That's why she beat me everyday!' Then, you both go to a dry battle scene, and you naturally whip out your Graveler to whoop whatever the hell he has. And he brings out a... Goldeen? It proceeds to whoop your rocky ass with some Surfs and some Bubblebeams until you bring out your Pikachu the next turn. Shouldn't it be flopping around on the ground, dying and shriveling? What I have found in nature is that when a fish is placed on a rock, it tends to die, not kill people. Also, if we had both been swimming on the backs of water Pokemon, wouldn't non-water Pokémon drown? We can't always ford the river.

There are many holes and questions unanswered in the Pokémon world. I hope to see that in the upcoming seasons and video games that some of these questions are answered. I hope to see a medium-rare Miltank with a shredded Bellsprout and Oddish sandwich. I hope to see some hippies being suppressed by the man, I hope to see Italians gambling while Pokémon serve them martinis. And, I hope to see a Goldeen drown in a cave. These are my requests, Nintendo. Start working.